


a feeling and a coincidence

by fukurouji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide, iwaoi - Freeform, they're not friends and they don't play volleyball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 01:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7554934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fukurouji/pseuds/fukurouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“What are you doing here?”</i>
</p><p>They shouldn’t have been the first words that came out of Tooru’s mouth.</p><p>There were lots of things to say, lots of more important questions to ask, lots of thoughts to entertain; and yet there he was, waiting for the guy’s reply as he clutched the rails behind him and stared up at the sky as if it would make the decision for him: <i>to jump or not to jump?</i></p><p>He stood there, seventy feet above the ground on a narrow ledge at the rooftop of Aobajosai High, the wind blowing his hair to his face like a whisper of yeses or noes that he couldn’t quite grasp no matter how hard he listened. When he looked down, the world tilted, a shaky breath threatening to leave him; a reminder of the reality he was in.</p><p>He felt scared but invincible at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a feeling and a coincidence

**Author's Note:**

> I already said this in the tags but I'm going to mention it again:
> 
> This is an AU where Oikawa and Iwaizumi aren't friends and they're not volleyball players. They're just regular high school students, except Oikawa's kind of popular since I decided to stick with canon. He suffers from depression in this fic, however I didn't dwell too much on what being depressed is actually like so I don't think I included anything that might trigger anyone. But just to be sure, I'm putting this here as some kind of warning or simply something for you guys to take note of.
> 
> So without further ado, I hope you guys enjoy ~

_“What are you doing here?”_

They shouldn’t have been the first words that came out of Tooru’s mouth.

There were lots of things to say, lots of more important questions to ask, lots of thoughts to entertain; and yet there he was, waiting for the guy’s reply as he clutched the rails behind him and stared up at the sky as if it would make the decision for him: _to jump or not to jump?_

He stood there, seventy feet above the ground on a narrow ledge at the rooftop of Aobajosai High, the wind blowing his hair to his face like a whisper of yeses or noes that he couldn’t quite grasp no matter how hard he listened. When he looked down, the world tilted, a shaky breath threatening to leave him; a reminder of the reality he was in.

He felt scared but invincible at the same time.

He wondered what his body would look like sprawled on the cement below. Would anyone be surprised? Would anyone bother to smooth his hair away from his mangled face? Hold his cold bloodied hands and grip them as if it would take his life back that easily? Would anyone – _someone_ bother? He was curious to find out. But then again there was no way for him to know. He’d be asleep, in a place far far away from here.

Closing his eyes, he pretended that the boy behind him wasn’t there and he was alone. At the back of his mind, he let the image play out like a zoetrope that consisted of multiples of these images, pictures where each scene of his death was drawn. He was there, a looming presence in the shadows with hands that kept spinning the device on and on.

_Just one more step, Tooru, and then let go of the bars behind you._

“You’re stupid.” A rough voice that wasn’t his said.

Tooru opened his eyes.

“I guess I am,” he said in his most carefree voice, the one he used when he lied about his condition to every adult who bothered to ask; the one he used when he tried to play it cool after one of his breakdowns. “But it’s none of your concern,” this, he declared in a serious tone.

He smiled despite himself. “It’s just unfortunate that you’re here to eat your lunch peacefully when I’m here having an internal debate with myself.”

The other boy didn’t reply.

“What’s your name?” Tooru tried again.

Perhaps it was because of who he was, or because the guy was polite enough not to ignore an innocent question like that, or simply because Tooru was already on the verge of death and they both knew it, he replied;

“Iwaizumi Hajime.”

It didn’t spark any recognition in his mind.

“Now, _Tooru_ , jump over that bar and get back here. Now.” Iwaizumi commanded slowly, as if he was approaching a ticking time bomb or a frightened animal. Perhaps that was how he saw Tooru. Meanwhile the said boy just blinked, stunned to hear this stranger use his given name like they knew each other all their lives. The entire student population knew who Tooru was, but very rarely did he hear his first name from someone who wasn’t his mom or his dad.

“Say, _Iwa-chan_ ,” he said, emphasizing Iwaizumi’s new nickname. “Have you ever wondered why people kill themselves?”

There was a moment where the boy seemed to collect his thoughts. Tooru let him. The bell signaling for the end of lunch break would ring soon. He had to jump and get this over with. _Now_. But somehow, he suddenly couldn’t do it. He blamed it on that tiny part of himself that was anticipating Iwaizumi’s next words, what he would say to make him change his mind. After all, he was the last person Tooru would talk to before he’d finally meet his death. It was a shame he lacked the courage to turn around and see the boy’s face to at least put an image to the last voice he would be hearing.

Then, Tooru felt him get closer to the railings, the one thing that separated them, and him from safety. Iwaizumi spoke;

“They kill themselves because they don’t want to live anymore. And I think that’s stupid, because there are lots of good things around them that they fail to see. That’s what sadness does, I guess. It blocks out the positive. It attaches these voices in your mind telling you to escape. But to escape from sadness is also to escape from the good.”

His next words were a whisper, a grave sound that seemed closer than where he actually was.

“Sometimes all it takes is a person to relieve that kind of pain from someone. The moment you decide for yourself that you’re enduring something so big all by yourself, that’s when the voices get louder.”

Tooru clutched the bars tighter. They were cold against his hands.

“You seem to know a lot about sadness, Iwa-chan. What are you, a therapist? A psychic? An emo kid? A –“

“Friend. That’s… what I am. A friend.” Iwaizumi cut him off, his voice so soft as if saying those words had pained him.

“As much as I appreciate a new friend right now, don’t flatter yourself. I have lots of that and so far they didn’t really help my situation right now.”

“But I’m not them,” he snarled, finally losing his cool. “And could you please turn around? Or better yet, get away from that ledge because you’re going to fall and _kill yourself!“_

Something in Tooru snapped.

“Why do you even care?! You don’t know me, Iwaizumi! I’m not that happy charming person everyone in this goddamn school perceives me to be! That was all a lie, a fucking mask that I wear everyday so they won’t see the suffering person behind. And you know what, you’re wrong! If you really think feeling suicidal is stupid, then you need to understand that when you’re already grasping the thing that could kill you, it’s hard to put it down.” he shouted, no longer caring if his voice trembled like his hands that were gripping the metal behind him. He felt so weak.

“Why is it so wrong to just give up? Why do people have to decide for me what to do with my life? Why do _you_ have to be here to stop me from doing the one thing I wanted to do for so long?! This kind of sadness doesn’t just go away over time, Iwaizumi! It’s like a lingering fog at the edge of my mind and I just want it to go away!”

His chest hurt and he was strangely aware of how ragged his breathing had become. He was still turned away from the boy so he couldn’t see the expression Iwaizumi wore on his face. The soft defeated tone of his voice provided the image for him.

“You’re right. I don’t know exactly how you feel, I’m _sorry_ ,” He said after a few moments.

Tooru’s eyes widened.

“But trust me, Oikawa, I may not be able to understand and feel the depth of what you’re going through, but I want to help.”

Tooru’s reply almost came instantaneously.

“You don’t even know me that well.”

Iwaizumi continued, as if Tooru hadn’t spoken at all. “And it’s not just me who wants to help you get better. Do you think the people here would just go on with their lives like normal, knowing that the person they look up to had jumped off a five-story building? I’m not saying that you should only live for the sake of others, but people are people, Oikawa. They care about how others feel. _You_ care about how those people around you feel. It’s not for you to decide that they no longer need you. No one ever became better in death. And we may not know each other personally, and you can claim that you don’t have any friends who would bother to talk with you about this kind of thing, but I’m here. Anyone would be by your side if you just let them close enough. You’re not weak for feeling the way you do because the mere fact that you’re still here is enough proof that you’re strong and capable of fighting your demons. I didn’t have to see you on this rooftop to know that. And it might take weeks, months, years, or longer, but your feelings right now will change. You have to hold on to that.”

Suddenly, Tooru felt him get closer behind him, his breath just a caress at the back of his neck. In a broken voice, the raven said, “So please, please, please _, stay.”_

Just like that, the dam inside Tooru broke. He cried and he sobbed and cursed every inch of himself and his pathetic life, all the while, barely registering the warm hands on his wrists and the low comforting voice in his ear telling him that everything was going to be okay.

But it wouldn’t. He had told himself the exact same thing over and over again for the past few years and where did that lead him? To this shitty rooftop with an intention to jump off and kill himself.

Tooru didn’t know exactly when his tears had stopped, and when his grip on the railings had loosened. The only thing he knew was finally standing on the safe side of the rooftop and wiping his eyes with the back of his hands and the sleeves of his white blazer. His legs gave out beneath him slowly, as he was only left as a hiccupping mess on the cold pavement.

The guy – Iwaizumi – crouched to where he was, close enough for him to feel the comforting warmth he emitted.

Now that Tooru could look at him face to face and without his tears blocking his sight, he finally recognized the guy. He was in his year. Dark, spiked up hair, green eyes, muscular frame, slightly tanned skin – he suddenly felt heat creep into his cheeks as he watched the boy stare at him with such a serious but sincere expression on his face.

Voice still a bit hoarse from crying and yelling, he whispered to him;

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

Nothing in the world could have prepared Tooru for the kind of smile Iwaizumi gave him.

“I’m okay now.”

The dark-haired boy nodded, his smile still in place, but the clear concern in his eyes said otherwise.

Iwaizumi raised one of his hands and placed it on top of his shoulder before he leaned in.

“I’m not taking back what I said earlier. You can talk to me. I’m here. We’ll work through this.” His dark green eyes searched Tooru’s openly.

With a shuddering breath, Tooru laid his head on top of the boy’s shoulder, closing his eyes and just grounding himself in that moment. He felt the raven rub soothing circles on his back as he listened to his calm breathing.

Tooru barely knew Iwaizumi, hadn’t been aware of who he was until today. But as he rested against him right now, silent and vulnerable, he couldn’t help but let out another quiet sob for how relieved he was that he hadn’t really jumped off and killed himself. It occurred to him how much he’d never ever want to miss this simple act of kindness in the world; being held and cared for.

He was still as broken as his previous self who had been standing on that ledge a few minutes ago. His troubles didn’t magically disappear just like that. They were still there, their constant presence reminding him that they wouldn’t really go away so easily.

He allowed himself a small smile nevertheless.

Life might be a perpetual struggle for him, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get around it without losing.

For now he had a friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Feel free to leave kudos or a comment if you liked this or if you want to share something to help me improve my writing. I'm open to feedbacks!
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr, I'm [fukurouji](http://fukurouji.tumblr.com/) :)
> 
> \- Portia


End file.
